I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
