All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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