I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
