I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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