I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
