sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
