My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
