This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
