I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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