My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
