The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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