This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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