were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
