You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
