Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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