If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
