I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
