The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
