Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
