i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
