I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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