Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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