i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
