My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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