respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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