i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
