You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
