Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
