She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
