can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
