I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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