Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
