How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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