I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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