Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
