This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
