Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
