Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
