Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
