News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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