my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
