tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize