drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
