he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
