I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
