Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
