just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
