Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
