Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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