I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
